I Give Up
by mysticleopard
Summary: He can't take it anymore. No one cares for him. Who would save him? Warning: Themes of depression/ Suicide
1. Chapter 1

**Hi **

**So this was an idea that had been playing around in my head for a while, but I never thought I would/could actually write. I didn't think that writing a depression style like this would be my thing, but it has happened somehow. It does sound like this chapter could remain a one-shot, but it will have continuing chapters, your choice whether you would want to read on or leave it at the one chapter. Set probably post season 4 time if it had to be anywhere, though Arthur and Gwen are not in a relationship/ married. Reason why is below.**

**This will eventually turn into Merthur, but it is going to take a good load of chapters to get that far, so for those who dislike Merthur feel free to read up to when Merthur starts coming into play. (I have many chapters roughly written and it looks like Merthur starts to make appearances in chapter 8). I may consider doing a separate nonslash story continue, see how I feel.**

**Whether you choose to continue to slash or not this story will contain strong Merthur bromance. Can't help that :P**

**In summary, however much you decide to read, hope you like it.**

****Extra note (not relavent to this story) : For those waiting for my other story (the Oracle) to update, it isn't being ignored, I'm just having a small block with it's editing. It'll return soon.  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin**

**Warning: Themes of depression/ suicide**

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><p>I should be happy. He's actually done it. He's finally lifted the ban on magic. Those with magic are free. I should be celebrating. But I can't. The freedom of magic only applies to those who in his mind practice good magic. I'm not one of them. I'm the traitor, the liar, the back stabber. The banished warlock with the threat of death over their head should they try to return. This lift on the ban doesn't apply to me. Magic may be free but I am not.<p>

I know that I am being slightly selfish in not being completely happy for others with magic, but do I not have the right to be? I protected him, I protected all of them, I risked my life over and over again to make sure that he survived, to give Albion the chance to be created. Does that not give me the right to enjoy the rewards? Apparently not. My destiny was to help the Once and Future King create Albion, and it seems that he will do so, but he doesn't need me anymore. I've done my job but I will gain nothing from it.

I have no one. I'm alone. I can't talk to anyone. Who would want me anyway? I've done nothing but lie to everyone I care about from the day I've met them. Lied to him for 4 years. No wonder he hates me now. I can't blame him. I would probably hate me too. I had Gaius, but I can't talk to him anymore. I haven't spoken to him since I was banished six months ago. I can't go back to my mother, she's safer if I don't go to her. They are all probably safer without me I suppose. I just bring trouble and pain.

I'm nothing. A freak even amongst those with magic. A bastard child who doesn't deserve happiness. All I've done is cause trouble. Led to the deaths of so many innocent people. Caused Morgana to turn against Camelot, to hate us all. Would thing's have been different if she hadn't changed? No. Probably not. Her actions did not stop my lying, did not stop me spending everyday using magic.

I have nowhere to go. I have wandered around for six months, hoping for something. What, I don't know. Maybe the small hope that he changes his mind? That he forgives me? Huh. Why would that happen? He's had one too many personal attacks and betrayals related to magic to forgive me. I've watched and tried to help him when each of these betrayals happens, but knowing each time that I'm doing the exact same as them. Hiding the truth about myself. But I would never hurt him. I would never hurt any of them.

I never wanted this. I never asked for it. I didn't want to live a lie. I didn't ask to be born with magic. To be given this destiny. But I went with it, in the hopes that I could find something that made it all worth it. And I did, for a time, in Camelot. With him. But that was short lived. Now there's nothing.

I give up. I have no reason to live on this godforsaken earth anymore. Magic is free, Camelot is prospering. I can't take it anymore. The hope I have had all my life that I might one day be free is shattered. I can never seem to be happy for long. Every time I do find something it is snatched away from me. Will, Freya, my father, Lancelot ... and now everything I had in Camelot. No one needs me anymore, no one will miss me, no one will even notice I'm gone. Emrys has done his job and now he will vanish.

I look at Camelot in the distance. The place that I once called home. The place where I thought I might finally belong. I then stare down at the knife in my hand. Three days since magic became free. Six months since I was banished. My whole life spent in a mix of fear and hope. And it has all come down to this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Apologies for the long absence. Time flies :) **

**Be aware of the time change between this chapter and the previous. It should be obvious during reading that this is prior to the previous chapter and is in a different POV. I didn't mention this before but POV will change at various points through the story. It will mainly be in Arthur or Merlins POV but sometimes others.  
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><p>Hope. Hope is all I am feeling now. I lifted the ban on magic yesterday, and he still hasn't returned yet. I know I'm probably being impatient, I have no idea where he has been these past six months. I don't even know if he'll have heard about it. Word is travelling fast around Camelot and nearby Kingdoms but what if he is not near anyone to hear it? If he hasn't returned by tonight I will start a search for him tomorrow.<p>

He is one of the main reasons I have revoked the ban after all. Everything I said during the speech about how magic can be used to help, about how it has saved many of our lives already, and how it can be used for good. Those words were about him. I'm sure there are others who have used it for good, and now they will have that chance, but he is the one I know, the one I have messed up with, the one I want to return.

Why did I take my father's teachings so seriously? I knew he could become blinded by hatred when it came to magic and it seems I have inherited that trait too. I have seen magic used for dark purposes, suffered betrayals, but he never did that. He protected me, he was always willing to sacrifice his life for me. Forever loyal and there for me when I needed him. He kept his true self hidden and lived in a Kingdom that would have him executed to keep me alive and keep that same Kingdom going. I let my emotions get the better of me. I allowed anger to override logic and sense. He couldn't be evil, even if he hid his magic he still showed that he was caring and willing to stand up for what is right.

I need him back. He is the closest friend I have ever had. One of the few people who would be brutally honest with me when I asked for advice, and would never try to be friends with me just because I was ruler. When he returned, I wanted him to take the place as Court Sorcerer, become a Lord as he rightly deserved.

The next day he hadn't returned, so I sent a search party consisting of Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Leon. Since they were friends with Merlin I hoped that they could convince him to return if they found him and he was still scared of me. I hated how bad that sounded. Merlin scared of me.

I wanted to go with them, but I was unable to. I had to run the kingdom and get things sorted out with this newly changed law. It was hard to concentrate when thoughts about Merlin kept returning into my head constantly. I prayed for positive news when the Knights returned. That they would have any clue as where the dark haired warlock had gone. Even the hope that they had brought him back with them. If they had found out nothing I was riding with them tomorrow on a new search. I was going to make sure of that. Nothing would stop me.

When they had returned, they found Gwen, Gaius and I sat together waiting. They had no news.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello :D Sorry it took so long I really am terrible with updates. I could pretend and say it's becuase I like to keep you in suspense but that wouldn't really be true,I'm just bad.**

**Just want to say a big thank you to all of those who like the story so far. Never thought it would happen**

**So, enjoy :)**

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><p>When I woke up and got ready the next morning I couldn't shake off a bad feeling that was in the pit of my stomach. I had no idea where it had come from and why but it worried me a little. If it had anything to do with the days search then did it mean that it had something to do with Merlin? Was he in trouble? Nah he couldn't be. He can look after himself, I'm sure it's nothing.<p>

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><p>A little later that morning we ride into the woods. The bad feeling that I have is still there, and if anything has gotten worse. I feel uneasy now, like something is going to happen if I don't hurry up. The others don't understand. They tell me it's just nothing, but I really don't think it is.<p>

We round a corner and see a gap in the trees. There, sitting in a clearing next to the cliff edge is a person, a hooded figure. In their hand is a knife, which they are hovering over their wrist. We stop at once, realising that this person needs help, we can't just pass by when they could be about to kill themselves. Could this be the bad feeling I was having earlier?

"We need to approach this carefully. We do not know the full situation and this may not be as it first appears." I whisper quietly to the others.

"What it looks like is a man about to kill them self Arthur. I understand caution but I don't think this is a trap." Gwaine whispered back as we dismounted our horses.

"I have a feeling it isn't either. Don't try and sneak up on them, we need to make sure they are aware we are there and we are not a threat." Leon said quietly.

"Agreed." I said.

We carefully approach the figure, who still didn't seem to notice us. It wasn't until we were right in front of them that they finally looked up. The hood still covered their face, so we were unable to tell anything about him. I didn't really know what to say.

"Hi there... what's your name?" I asked. Try to act normal and not as though I'm talking to a depressed potentially suicide person. Oh this isn't going to be easy, I'm terrible with emotions. The man said nothing, and the knife remained by his wrist.

"Is there anything we can help you with, please tells us what is wrong" Percival said, crouching down to the man's level. We copied, crouching down. The man shook his head.

"Listen, we want to help you, whatever is wrong... it can't be worth ending it all can it?" Gwaine said, "Surely there is something out there for you" The man shook his head more violently this time, his grip on the knife handle tightening. It wasn't working. We couldn't help if they wouldn't talk.

"If there's nothing else out there for you now, why not look for something new. There must be something out there for you to find. Start a new life." Elyan said. The wind picked up around us briefly as the man clenched his free hand in anger. It was like... magic.

"You're a sorcerer aren't you?" I said. The man paused, then nodded. "Is it because of magic you are in this situation?" The man nodded again. Finally, progress, even if it is only a little. But why was he like this? The ban on magic was lifted, surely he shouldn't be sad.

"Are you aware the law banning magic has been revoked?" Leon asked. The wind briefly whistled around him again and he nodded. Wait, so he isn't happy about the freedom of magic... but... surely he should be? What?

"Then you do not have to fear anymore, you can live in peace, you are free." As soon as the word free left my mouth the wind picked up again, stronger than before, forcing us to stumble back. It died down again quickly though allowing us to hear the words mumbled quietly from the man's mouth.

"Free... ha... I'll never be free."


End file.
